Friday, March 6, 2009

If he did it for me,he can do it for you

I have always been very good at acting like I'm ok or if I feel compelled to confess this part of my life then I am very good at going around it. Saying things like I was torn,I had a hard time things like that. Saying it in a very very round about way. But never really saying what it is that I'm feeling compelled to share. It's not like I'm trying to be deceptive but I have not told many about this. I did however tell the Evangelist that helped me through this without him even knowing it.

I sat in church one Sunday morning and God put it on my heart to share with him just what God did through him. I try very hard to not do it. After all I have only told a few people in my whole life about it,why would I turn to him to tell him. But God didn't give up he kept pushing me to,so much so that I felt a heaviness in my chest, I knew I had to do it no matter how hard it may be.

So after the service was over I walked up to him. And asked if I could speak with him for a minute. I almost didn't get it out. Every time I tried it wouldn't come out. I told God,"I can't get it out". Then finally with tears streaming down my face I told him. And I told him what God did for me through him. And how thankful I was for it. I hope this was a blessing to him and after I told him that heaviness was gone. But I was still so shaky. Scared at some point about my secret getting out but knowing that my story can help someone and that it needs to be told,so here goes.

I grew up a pastor's daughter in a small pentecostal church. I was naive and innocent and trusted people that I should not have trusted. My innocence was taken from me at a very young age. I didn't remember it all very well for a very very long time. Then one day it all started flooding back like photographs in my mind. I didn't know what to do. I with drew from my husband and wouldn't let him touch me for a very long time. I hated God for allowing this to happen to me. I was only a child and what should have been the best time of my life was the biggest nightmare a little girl could go through.

I hated myself,I hated my body,I hated men! I ran from God as fast as I could and wanted nothing to do with him. After all in my mind it was all his fault this happened to me. I could not escape the visions of what happened to me,they haunted me day and night. That made me more and more angry. This anger and hurt took me to some very dark places in my life,places that I didn't know how I came out alive (I do now,God seen me through it all).

If I could have killed myself at that time I do believe I would have done so and thought about it many times. But I would remember my children and I knew somewhere in my subconscious that if I took my own life I would be condemned to Hell. And there was a glimmer of hope somewhere that valued God and my faith.

Slowly but surely and with the constant and never ceasing prayers of my parents I started finding my way back. It was a long and hard road. John and I worked on our problems but I was still so angry with God. I could never see myself fully loving a God that did nothing to prevent this awful thing that happened to me.

I started praying more and reading the bible more but still there was this nagging anger I was holding onto. I was ashamed and wanted to hide my shame from the world and I became very good at doing that. God was so patient with me. He was there the whole time,watching over me,helping me in ways that I couldn't or wouldn't see then.

There was a long period of facing what happened to me and trying to get passed it. Then one day I was out with my daughter and we stopped to buy fire works. We have been to this tent for a few years and this was a year just like any other,or so I thought. Inside there was an angel sent to me. I say this with tears in my eyes because I don't think she knows how her small invitation would change my whole world. And I know she's so humble she would never say she's an angel but at that time in my life God used her to get to to me. We talked in that tent for a while and she invited me to the church that her husband pastors. I told her I would like to go. I didn't for a few weeks.

But one Sunday I felt led to go there. So much so that God even provided me with money to put in offering because that was my excuse for that day,I had no money for offering. John and I went grocery shopping and as we were leaving the store,I looked down and found 15.00 on the ground. I picked it up and asked the lady in front of me if she dropped it and she said no it was not hers. So I took it and went out looking for someone that may be looking for the money. No one was there. As we made our way to our car to put the groceries into it. I kept looking for someone that may come back and look for that money. No one came. I sat later on our deck and felt so guilty for taking that money,then it came to me,Go to that ladies church and put it in the offering. So that is what I did. I got the kids ready and we went to her church.

God worked through the man preaching that night to get to me. He called out for me and I wouldn't budge. I was going to leave or go to the bathroom but then he called out and if she gets up right now to leave then we will all know it's her. So I sat there scared to death. Then he called for us all to go up front and pray. I thought whew now the pressure is off me.

While I was praying he came up to me pointed and said God wants to heal you. He said I don't know what is wrong with you (God knew I was afraid of someone seeing my dirtiness) but he does and he wants to heal you. He laid his hand on my head and as he was praying for me,I could see the photographs that once haunted my life leave. They shot out as if shooting out into space. God took those nightmares from me. I was so grateful and have since worked on my faith and today I can say that I love my God more now than I have ever loved him.

Since he healed me,he has saved both my sons and my husband and both of our boys received the Holy Ghost. The barriers were down and God can now work in our lives. I didn't realise that my burden was holding back my whole family and when God healed my wounds he in turned healed my whole family.

God has taken us from a broken family trying hard to keep it together to a strong unit that puts him first.

If you feel like you are not worth his forgiveness please take it from me. Giving him those burdens that way you down can take you places with God that you can only dream of.

I want to close this adding that if there is anyone out there that needs a listening ear or someone to pray with them please do not hesitate contact me and I will be more than happy to pray with you.

Thanks to all the brothers and sisters at church that have prayed with us and helped us along our path. Without you all we would not be where we are now.

God Bless,